Jaded

There are so many different dimensions of pain and loss when you miscarry a child, or deliver a still baby. Obviously there is the painful loss of your child, there is also the pain of losing your pregnancy, trust me they are two entirely separate things, both of which I mourn differently. I think the loss that makes me most angry is the loss of innocence. When a woman gets pregnant, the world is her oyster; she is full of optimism, and a feeling that all is right with the world, that nothing could go wrong. But when your baby dies, you lose that sense of optimism, you truly become jaded, because you suddenly are made aware of the harsh reality that something could go wrong, and it could happen at any moment. When DH and I discussed TTC, the words miscarriage, infertility, stillbirth, or even SIDS never came up, they were never a thought in my mind, but now I often find myself scared of all of them. I am constantly worrying “what if I can’t get pregnant again? What if I will never bear another child?” and then I think “what if I do get pregnant again, and lose the baby again? Will I be able to survive that tragedy again?” and then I worry, “what if I carry a baby term, and he or she is born sleeping? I truly don’t think I could handle having a still born child” but what if I give birth to a perfectly healthy baby who falls victim to SIDS? I feel like my TTC journey is so full of “what if’s” that I can barely let myself enjoy it. What I wouldn’t give to go back 6 months, before I even realized that any one of these horrors was a possibility in my life. Oh, to be in a place where I could ignorantly revel in the bliss of making and carrying a baby. Every day I hope that my miscarriage was a one time, fluke, possibly a hormone imbalance, but every day I have to ask the question “what if it wasn’t? What if there is something wrong with me? What if it happens again?” I know this is an issue of faith, and I know that ultimately it is in God’s plan, but it is hard not to be plagued with these questions. I suppose the name of my blog explains it all “losing my doubts and fears” huh?