This is one of my favorite songs of all time, there is just something about the lyrics, the imagery always touches my heart, I rarely make it through this song without crying. After I lost Sparrow the lyrics “From life’s first cry to final breath” always brought sadness, and dare I say a little bit of anger, as it always brought to mind my baby whose cry I never heard. It wasn’t until recently that I heard the lyrics which followed that line, “Jesus commands my destiny,” isn’t it amazing how often we don’t see the forest for the trees? And so finally, hearing those lyrics all together, “from life’s first cry to final breath, Jesus commands my destiny,” I was able to put it ALL in perspective, and it hit me, that not only does God command my destiny, but also the destiny of each one of my children. As Christian parents we dedicate our children, we have them baptized, we pray for God to use our children for His will, but very few of us realize what it can entail when we put our child in the hand of God. And may I be so bold as to say, that if some of us realized God's will for our child, me might be very hesitant to dedicate them to His will. For many of us, when we allow God to command the destiny of our child, it means that we will lose that child. As painful as that is for us to let go, many times this is how God uses our child(ren) for His will. It has taken me some time to realize this fact, and to even come to peace with it, but I know that even though my Sparrow’s life lasted a mere 7 weeks, that were only lived inside of my body, God has and is and will be using her little life for His grand will.
Friday, April 8, 2011
There is a great sense of guilt that can often accompany smiles, laughter, and celebration after you have lost a child (at any age), there is that feeling that you are somehow disrespecting your angel by feeling happiness again, that somehow you have "moved on" and left your angels memory behind. What is important to remember is that there is a difference between "moving on" and "moving forward." So often we are told to "just move on" after we lose a baby, but that is impossible, no matter how small that child was when we lost them, they will always carry a piece of our heart, they are a part of us, and we CANNOT and WILL NOT forget them. What is possible is "moving forward" into a new normal, life will never be what it was before, it can't be, but you can find peace in a new normal. That new normal will contain days of sadness and tears, but it is also okay to smile, to laugh, to celebrate even. This happiness does not mean we have forgotten our child, or that we do not still grieve the loss of them, what it means is that our child's memory has meshed into the story of our lives, they have become a (normal) part of who we are. So when you find yourself laughing or smiling after, do not allow yourself to be overcome with guilt, but rather continue smiling knowing that you have found that new normal that is essential to survive heartache.