Monday, May 16, 2011

"Because I knew you..."

I don’t envy women who have had a smooth journey to motherhood. I don’t regret the 7 weeks I carried my first child. I am not angry that I lost my baby. I haven’t always been able to say these things, but today I truly mean every word. The last 10 months have been painful, but they have been fruitful. A friend who lost her 4 year old daughter told me “If God would have said I will spare you the pain, but you would not know her or you can have her, know great love and joy, but then you will feel the loss to the same degree as your love and joy…I would have her again and again.” There was a time when this statement would have seemed strange to me, even irrational, but today it is not, today I understand her heart, and I understand exactly what she means. I never met my Sparrow Liran while she lived, but I would not change the fact that I carried her, because no matter how small a life is, there is always something we can learn from it. I think of the incredible growth God has brought to my heart and life since losing my baby, I think of the compassion and understanding I have gained for those around me who are hurting, I think of the appreciation I have gained for life, no matter how short; I would have none of these without my Sparrow. I truly would not be the same person without her. I know it seems strange to some that I mourn her loss, that I recognize her as my child, that I talk about her, that I memorialize her life, but I would not be the person I am today without her. Lord Tennyson said “Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all,” many scoff at this sentiment, but when you truly love someone, it is worth the risk of losing them, for the change they have brought to your life, you are willing to lose them again and again, because that means you will know them again and again, and you know, that without them, you would not be the same.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Unknown Author, Beautiful Sentiment

I did not write this, but a friend shared it with me, and it is so true and so beautiful!! If you have seen/read this before and know who the author is, please share with me so I can give credit, where credit is due!

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

Author Unknown