Monday, May 16, 2011

"Because I knew you..."

I don’t envy women who have had a smooth journey to motherhood. I don’t regret the 7 weeks I carried my first child. I am not angry that I lost my baby. I haven’t always been able to say these things, but today I truly mean every word. The last 10 months have been painful, but they have been fruitful. A friend who lost her 4 year old daughter told me “If God would have said I will spare you the pain, but you would not know her or you can have her, know great love and joy, but then you will feel the loss to the same degree as your love and joy…I would have her again and again.” There was a time when this statement would have seemed strange to me, even irrational, but today it is not, today I understand her heart, and I understand exactly what she means. I never met my Sparrow Liran while she lived, but I would not change the fact that I carried her, because no matter how small a life is, there is always something we can learn from it. I think of the incredible growth God has brought to my heart and life since losing my baby, I think of the compassion and understanding I have gained for those around me who are hurting, I think of the appreciation I have gained for life, no matter how short; I would have none of these without my Sparrow. I truly would not be the same person without her. I know it seems strange to some that I mourn her loss, that I recognize her as my child, that I talk about her, that I memorialize her life, but I would not be the person I am today without her. Lord Tennyson said “Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all,” many scoff at this sentiment, but when you truly love someone, it is worth the risk of losing them, for the change they have brought to your life, you are willing to lose them again and again, because that means you will know them again and again, and you know, that without them, you would not be the same.