Mother's Day

As I near my third Mother's Day (one without a child), I still find myself feeling a little bit of dread as Sunday approaches; As thankful as I am to be able to celebrate with my rainbow baby, there is still part of me that aches to celebrate with two children. That slight dread has me thinking back to my first Mother's Day after my miscarriage, the Mother's Day that I knew I couldn't bear to see the other moms at church receive flowers, the Mother's Day I knew I couldn't hear "Happy Mother's Day" due to my noticeable belly, but not for the baby I had lost, the Mother's Day where I literally had to get out of town to stay sane and protect my own heart. Yes! You read that right, my hubby literally took me out of town for the weekend to get away from it all because I wasn't sure I could handle it, and if you need to do the same, that is OKAY! But maybe heading to a big city for the weekend isn't a possibility for you, maybe you just stay home, pig out, watch movies, and just be with your significant other; maybe you spend the day in a secluded park or beach; maybe you spend the weekend camping; maybe you plan a day with those who you know will be understanding of what you are feeling; maybe you plan a celebration with other baby loss Mamma's; maybe you spend the day planting a memorial garden for your lost child; maybe you spend the day doing something or anything special in memory of your angel. Mother's Day will no doubt be painful, but it is okay to take steps to guard your own heart, to know the limits of what you can emotionally handle that day and be firm in that, and most importantly it is okay to cry.

 And to those of you who know someone who has lost a child, one of those moms who experience pain on Mother's Day instead of a joyful celebrations of motherhood, acknowledge her and her child; Send a card, a special note, flowers, or even a memorial gift in honor of her baby (my hubby bought me a ring with our babes name on it, and that is one of my most precious gifts). Holidays are incredibly painful, and Mother's Day can be one of the worst after the loss of her child, your thoughtfulness in remembering your loved one will mean the world to her and ease some of the pain she is inevitably feeling.

The Battle

While I have been pretty open discussing my grief and many painful aspects of my personal journey to healing, there is one area I am very reluctant to share, I have always feared looking weak or crazy, but I approached the point where keeping this struggle a secret became quite detrimental. When I took the step in sharing I found that not only did I receive the support I needed, but that I wasn't alone in my struggle, that I wasn't alone in my depression. The earliest I remember this battle was high school, I noticed a pattern with the changing seasons, gave myself the diagnosis of "Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)," went to the tanning bed a few times a week and found that the boost in vitamin D proved to be helpful. As time went on, and the stressors in my life become more intense, I began to use bulimia as a means of trying to gain some sort of control, to have some sort of physical release to the emotions I didn't always feel I could handle. When my husband (fiance at the time) returned from Iraq we started premarital counseling, which turned out to be more intensive than either of us imagined, we dealt with my eating disorder during a few sessions, and I felt empowered, but as the seasons began to change again, I found myself in the same place I was every winter. When I found out I was pregnant for the first time, that was the day I swore off my eating disorder, knowing I had a higher reason for keeping myself healthy. While I have not forced myself to throw up for several years, know that it is a constant struggle, just like an alcoholic has triggers, so does a person with an eating disorder and it is a conscience effort to stay away from the places and things I know I cannot handle. After I miscarried our first baby, I was grieving and the depression was natural, and after I had our first child, I expected Post Partum Depression (PPD), but as my son got older and the depression intensified I began to think that maybe things weren't normal anymore. I found myself with this constant and underlying rage, I found myself angry at the littlest things, I found myself blowing up at my son and husband for things that weren't important or intentional, I felt sad, and anxious, and dare I say a little hopeless, I felt isolated and unconnected to the people around me. I began to hate who I was, I saw this person spiraling out of control, but didn't feel like I had the power to stop her, I longed to have peace in my heart and in my life, but I just didn't know how to get it. It wasn't until I reached out to a few friends for prayer, that I got what I needed, I received words of comfort, assuring me that I wasn't alone and that I didn't need to fight this battle alone. I also received the encouragement I needed to talk to my doctor, something I had said I was going to do for years, and just never did because I was too embarrassed. As a nurse I see people on antidepressants all of the time, I hand them out almost daily, but the thought of being on one myself seemed like a soft option to me, but I have to say taking that first step in asking my doctor about them was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. In the doctor's office I was comforted by the nurse who shared that she battled the same thing, and the doctor who assured me that I wasn't alone that he sees this frequently. It has been a month and a half now that I have been taking medication for my depression and while my doctor told me I wouldn't see much of a change, I have! I feel calmer, I am the peaceful mom that I want to be, I am an easier wife to live with (at least I think so!!); I truly believe it is the combination of reaching out for help, receiving support, and the medication. I tell you all of this not because I want to, in fact I hate being this transparent, I tell you all of this because if I am not transparent, how will others ever know that they aren't alone? Many Christian's don't talk about depression because there is the stigma that if you have enough faith you won't be depressed, that if you have the joy of Christ in your life you won't feel depressed, that if you are living the righteous life you won't feel depressed, but this isn't true, and I want other Christians to know this isn't the truth and it is okay to admit that you are depressed. I struggled for so many years by myself, fighting a battle I wasn't equipped for, and I don't want others to think they have to do the same. I want you to know that whether it is SAD or PPD or grief or anxiety or depression that lasts all year long, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Their are others fighting the same battles, others who are lost in the struggle, others who hate who they are, others who don't know how to stop the rage, others who don't know how to control the blow ups, others who don't know how to handle the anxiety, others who don't know how to rise from the crippling sadness, others who don't know why they are feeling crippling sadness. If you have read this and you understand all too well the things I am saying, please don't do what I did, please don't waste another moment trying to handle the depression on your own; find a friend, family member, pastor, counselor, or doctor (heck e-mail me if you need to) and tell them you need help, tell them you don't have the strength to fight one more day on your own, it might be the hardest thing you do, but you will never be sorry that you did

Winter, or Spring, or Winter...

The flip flopping between the warmth of spring and the chill of winter over the last few weeks, has really been so symbolic of grief to me. The confusion of everything covered in ice, lying dormant, dreary even and within days waking up to a refreshing and renewing rain, seeing green and the signs of life. How often do we feel like this in our grief? How often do we have days where we feel as if we are walking on thin ice just waiting for it to crack and submerge us in freezing winter waters, and wake up the next day feeling as if that ice has been melted allowing us submersion in the renewing warmth of a spring soak? And then, before we know it we are standing on the dawn of a winter day covered in frost, hoping and praying that Spring will come along and bring a promise of new life. Some days the wait between Winter and Spring can be brief, and then other days that wait can often seem endless and excruciating, but no matter how long the wait is or feels we hold on to the promise that "there is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off (Proverbs 23:18)." Even on the most hopeless Winter days, when we feel numb from the cold, and disheartened by the grey around us, we can hold on to the hope of Spring, of the blooming of new life, of the sun emerging to melt the ice that has encased our hearts.

Your Hands

This was the very first song I heard after I heard the words "Your numbers went down, which does mean you had a miscarriage," after I made several phone calls to various people like my work, the Red Cross, my husband, some family, I climbed in the car and heard these words...and they couldn't have been more perfect. When the words "I have asked a thousand ways, that you would take my pain away" hit my ears I felt the weight of every prayer I felt had been left unanswered that week, the pain of my pleas for life that seemingly went nowhere, the heartache that I never imagined would enter my life, but as I listened on, hope filled that car and my heart. These lyrics went on to promise unwavering stability amidst my collapsing world, they promised a safe haven in a life that I felt had been irreparably violated, they offered a promise that no matter how bad things felt, no matter how awful they seemed that they would be set right. Life has taken me many places since I first heard these lyrics, but what has been proven true is that while God's hands may be powerful enough to shape this world, they are also gentle enough to hold me in my pain, that a God powerful enough to heal the sick and hurting, is heartbroken by my tears, that while the road may seem weary and winding, God will make my path straight and guide my every step.

Hiding from an Omniscient God

When we lose a child and the shock wears off, anger is often the next emotion, it has long been recognized as one of the steps of grief, and is completely natural. Our anger can be channeled at many individuals, but in most cases it is geared at God; suddenly, in that moment of loss, we don't understand how such a loving God could forsake us, could allow us to be hurt so irrevocably, could sit idly by while our heart is shattered. We sit and we seethe, we think of every name in the book, our mind races with angry thoughts, but we don't dare utter any of these words out loud, we don't dare let God know that we are angry with Him. Somehow we have convinced ourselves that those private, bitter thoughts are truly private, that somehow we have actually hidden our feelings from an omniscient God, we think that the God of the universe is actually being blocked from the ire we feel. We have to ask ourselves, "what do I think will happen if God knows I am mad at Him?" Do we truly believe that it is a condition beyond God's unconditional love? Do we think that we will suddenly fall from His grace? When we hold on to this anger, somehow we believe that we will be able to just move forward and leave it behind, but what happens, is the same thing that always happens when we secretly hold on to anger, it turns to bitterness, which eventually breeds contempt. When we introduce this element to our relationship with God, there is no room to do anything, but grow apart and I can assure you that this grieves God. So what is the solution? What is the resolve? How do we deal with this anger? How do we move forward in life? The answer is quite simple, tell God! Tell God that you are mad at Him! Stop pretending, stop seething in silence, stop blocking God out, and express how you feel; write it down, shut yourself in a room and scream your feelings, get down on your knees and whisper them, it doesn't matter what you do, just get the feelings out there, every last bitter and angry thought. Now, I know what you are thinking "That's blasphemous!" or "I can't say those mean things to God!" or even "I can't yell at God!" but the truth of the matter is that God already knows every angry and bitter thought you have had, He already knows that you are mad at Him, so why are you pretending to keep it to yourself? Why are you acting like God doesn't already know? Do you really think you have Him fooled? God knows how many hairs are on your head, he has counted your every day, He knows every fiber of your being, and He certainly knows when you are angry with Him. The more anger we allow into our relationship with God, the further the chasm between us becomes, and the more brokenhearted our Saviour feels. I want you to think about something; when you express and release the bitterness you are feeling there is a resolve that allows reconciliation, however, there is no hope of this resolve if we continue to harbor angry feelings, it becomes impossible for us to live in harmony with God and His will, and we have done nothing, but further our grief and God's. Next time you are angry, ask yourself "Am I really hiding anything from an Omniscient God?"

Unchanging

When things are going well, it is easy to profess that God is always God and that He is faithful and unchanging, but do we believe that when tragedy strikes? Do we believe that when our world comes crashing in? Do we believe that when the healing we beg for never comes? I can tell you personally that the day I got the phone call telling me that I had lost my first baby, I didn't believe that God was unchanging, I didn't believe that He was good, I didn't believe that He was faithful; My view of God suddenly changed into this big, cold man who didn't care what happened to me or my child, I became quite indifferent to Him. Fortunately for me, God was NOT who I thought He was, fortunately He still offered me enough grace and mercy to cover my doubts, to give me time to come back to Him, to let me rediscover exactly who He was. When tragedy strikes our life, I think it is a knee jerk reaction to blame God, to rethink who He is, to mistrust Him and His plans, but does this actually change who He is? Does this make Him a different person? No, we only perceive Him as being different, because suddenly our world has been turned upside down and we can't imagine that God could let that happen to us, that a good God would allow bad things to happen to His followers. God has made many promises to us, one of those promises is that He is unchanging (“I the Lord do not change. So you, the descendants of Jacob, are not destroyed." Malachi 3:6) and we know that He is unchanging,  because in those moments of doubt, when we question who He is, when we are convinced that He no longer covers us with His love or protects us, He is giving us more grace than we ever thought we needed, He is providing great mercy to us so that we may find our way back to Him, to that place where we do believe that He is constant and unchanging. Always hold on to the truth that in those moments when we are convinced that God has changed, He is ready to show us just how unwavering He is. 

Stand beside me and be my friend

People often ask me what they can do to support a friend or family member who has just experienced a miscarriage, they see the grief and depression and are at a loss, they want to help ease the hurt, but just aren't sure how. A miscarriage is a unique loss with many facets; it not only involves the loss of a child and of all the dreams and hopes for that child, but also the loss of a pregnancy (for me these were two very different areas of grief), so it really doesn't come as a surprise that many are puzzled as to what to do for their hurting loved one. I would like to share a list of things that you can do to come alongside your grieving friend or family member, and make her road to healing a little easier to travel.

-Be there! This seems simple, but you might start to feel awkward around your loved one, not sure what to say or how to act, and begin to pull away from the relationship, this is the most painful thing you can do at this stage in her life.

-Acknowledge her loss. You might be afraid that you will say something stupid, but saying nothing at all is even worse. You might also be afraid that you will make her feel sad by talking about her pregnancy, loss, or baby, but I can assure you she will feel better knowing you are thinking about her.

-Let her share. You might find that your loved one is experiencing a myriad of emotions and has a lot on her mind that she just needs to talk about, let her! What she shares might seem strange, or even crazy, but don't make her feel that way, I can assure that no matter how off the wall her feelings might seem they are probably pretty normal.

-Be understanding. Keep in mind that baby showers can be painful, so be understanding if she chooses not to attend a baby shower or leaves early, the same goes for holding new babies, she just might not be able to bring herself to do it, and that is okay, give her grace. If questions or eyebrows are raised, just be kind in sharing that she is healing from a loss and needs time and understanding. 

-Be practical. Your inclination may be to tell her "let me know if you need anything," but truthfully, at this point she may not know what she needs, so take her dinner, fill her freezer with easy meals, fold some laundry, wash her dishes or fill her dishwasher, sweep her floors, if she has other kids offer to babysit for a few hours, help her with the things that she may not have the drive or energy to do right now. 

-Give her a grief vacation. No, you cannot help her completely forget her grief, but you might just be able to give her a little time away from it. Spend the day with her; watch movies and pig out on junk food, treat her to a spa day with a massage, mani, pedi, and a new hairdo, pack a picnic lunch and get into nature for a hike or bike, take her out for dinner and a musical, play, or movie, or head to a nearby big city for a day of sight seeing.

-Give her a memorial gift. It can be difficult to think of a gift to give someone who has had a miscarriage, your friend may not have chosen to name her baby, and may not have even known her baby's gender, so you might be at a loss, but there are still many things you can do to memorialize her child. A few things that were done for me that meant a lot were the ring my husband gave me with the name we chose for our baby (Sparrow Liran), a Christmas ornament from my sister in law with our baby's name, a friend who planted tulips in her mom's garden in memory of our babe, a cross stitch my mom designed that said "and to think when her little eyes opened the first thing she saw was the face of Jesus," an angel figurine holding a baby that a friend gave me. Your friend might have something special she associates with her pregnancy and baby like stars, butterflies, flowers, ladybugs if you see a gift along these lines buy it, if you see something that really brings her to mind give it to her; it doesn't even have to be bought you might be an artist, or writer, or create something that will be meaningful to her.

-Remember big days. Mother's day, the day she lost her baby, and the day her baby was due will be hard days, holidays may also bring pain, so make sure you are remembering her on these days, sending a card (http://lostforwordscardline.com/) or flowers, a special gift (http://www.myforeverchild.com/), or even bringing over cupcakes will brighten a dark day.

-Remember when everyone else forgets. After a few weeks, people will begin to forget your loved one's loss, they will stop asking how she is doing, and assume that life is getting back to normal, but it's not, she still needs extra love and support. Keep the texts, e-mails, cards, and chats coming, she will need them!

This list is probably not all inclusive, you might find other ways to be there for your friend that I didn't mention (I would love for you to leave a comment about it!), there may even be things specific to your friend and the relationship that you share that will lift her spirits, do them! If your first thought is "oh, I bet she would love this," do not second guess yourself, just do it, the fact that you thought of her will mean the world to her as she is grieving.


*In my post I refer to "she," I am in no way ignoring the fact that the father will grieve and need support, many of these things might be meaningful to a man, as well, but there is no doubt that men and women grieve differently and so this post is more geared towards a grieving mom*