Thursday, September 27, 2012

Existence

One of the most melancholy feelings is loving and missing a person, who by all rights, never actually existed. I have been pregnant twice, I have carried two children, I have given birth to two babies, but to all of the world one of those children has never even existed. I know many of you are thinking, "of course your baby existed," but I often think of the birth certificate, social security card, insurance forms that we had to fill out to prove that MJ existed, and it hits me in an odd way that there is none of that for Sparrow, for my first child. Her birth did not happen with big procession, there were no inked foot prints, no blood tests, no social security numbers to apply for, no records of her being outside of my medical charts which read G2P1. While I named her, love her, miss her, and am completely changed by her, her existence will never be acknowledged in a tangible way. I suspect that many of you have dwelt on these thoughts, and have probably felt the same sadness that I have . Rather than sadness, though, these thoughts should be a reminder that this world is not our home, our residence here on earth is not permanent, and that putting stake on any earthly existence is futile. There may not have been any pomp on this earth, Sparrow may have entered this world behind a closed door, amidst grief, but the day my child was born into heaven their was great rejoicing, there were hosts to welcome her, and I am sure there was more celebration over her spirit entering heaven than MJ coming into this world. While my child may not exist on this earth, she exists in eternity, the part of her that matters exists, the part of her which will spend eternity in the presence of our Lord, her soul. 

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Abraham & Sarah, the original story of infertility

I grew up hearing the story of Abraham and Sarah, of their desire for children that seemed totally out of reach, eventually of the son they bore, and then of God asking for that son back as a sacrifice. It never really occurred to me, until I heard this song that Sara and Abraham's story was the original story of infertility, and then this story took on a whole new meaning. I came to realize that the desire Sarah had for children was one that was unquenchable, so much so that she sent Abraham to have a child with her servant; even then I can only imagine the pain Sarah had to feel as Hagar's belly began to swell. The Bible tells us of an anger that grew between Sarah and Hagar, and that truthfully doesn't come as a surprise to me, Sarah spent decades desiring children, and though she suggested her husband bear a child with another woman, I am not sure she imagined the pain it would bring her, to know that another woman was making Abraham a father and not her, to know that she wasn't the one to grow their family must have been an agonizing feeling. After we lost Sparrow, I felt quite betrayed by my body, that as a woman I was made to carry a child, and my body couldn't even accomplish that very task; did Sarah feel this way? I can imagine that she had the same feelings that I did, wondering why everyone around her could be carrying babies and having children, and she couldn't. Through all of this pain, I can only imagine the joy that came the day that Sarah and Abraham were blessed with their son Isaac; I remember finding out I was pregnant again after our loss, elation doesn't even come close to the feeling I had that day, then the day my son came into this world, and after a long wait took his first breath, it was a joy like I had never known. I can truly say that I only knew such bliss because I had known loss and desire, and I know Sarah's joy was also that much deeper because she knew what it felt to truly desire a child, because she had settled into a place in life where her children did not and would not exist. I remember one night in the car, listening to the radio, feeling completely broken, and laying it all at God's feet, telling Him that it was okay if I never got pregnant again, never had another child, and I meant this; I imagine that Sarah may have made the same vow, had this same peace and so to know such a blessing as a  child you thought would never be, is joy beyond any other. Then we go on to learn that God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on an altar, oh what faith! To listen to God's promises that you will father nations, that your descendants will be as numerous as the sand and the stars, and then to be asked to sacrifice that, to be the very one to take your long coveted sons life, but God was faithful. Despite the moments of doubt they had, God rewarded Abraham and Sarah, He blessed them, He did what He has long promised to do, He gave them the desires of their heart.