Thursday, September 27, 2012


One of the most melancholy feelings is loving and missing a person, who by all rights, never actually existed. I have been pregnant twice, I have carried two children, I have given birth to two babies, but to all of the world one of those children has never even existed. I know many of you are thinking, "of course your baby existed," but I often think of the birth certificate, social security card, insurance forms that we had to fill out to prove that MJ existed, and it hits me in an odd way that there is none of that for Sparrow, for my first child. Her birth did not happen with big procession, there were no inked foot prints, no blood tests, no social security numbers to apply for, no records of her being outside of my medical charts which read G2P1. While I named her, love her, miss her, and am completely changed by her, her existence will never be acknowledged in a tangible way. I suspect that many of you have dwelt on these thoughts, and have probably felt the same sadness that I have . Rather than sadness, though, these thoughts should be a reminder that this world is not our home, our residence here on earth is not permanent, and that putting stake on any earthly existence is futile. There may not have been any pomp on this earth, Sparrow may have entered this world behind a closed door, amidst grief, but the day my child was born into heaven their was great rejoicing, there were hosts to welcome her, and I am sure there was more celebration over her spirit entering heaven than MJ coming into this world. While my child may not exist on this earth, she exists in eternity, the part of her that matters exists, the part of her which will spend eternity in the presence of our Lord, her soul. 

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