Thanksgiving

This Thanksgiving I can say that I am infinitely grateful for the child I am carrying right now, but I am also thankful for the first child I carried, and the lessons I learned through her loss.

• God taught me that He is enough. There was a period of time where Michael and I were the only 2 people on earth who knew I was pregnant, and the only 2 people on earth who knew I was facing a miscarriage, unfortunately we were nearly 200 miles apart. As I questioned God's reasons for this happening while I was so alone, I heard Him say "You aren't alone, can't I be enough to comfort you right now?"
• God taught me what loss feels like. The only person close to me I have ever lost was my great grandmother, and because of her age, cancer, and love for Jesus Christ it was a natural thing, and though it hurt an I still miss her, I know she is whole and praising Jesus! Losing my baby was a completely different and infinitely more painful experience than losing my grandma. As badly as that hurt, I now have a greater compassion for my patients and for others around me. A colleague once told me "your loss will make you a better nurse" and she is right, when you have experienced a great loss in your life, it makes you more understanding of the losses others face, and makes you better able to care for them.
  
• God taught me what it felt like to be an outsider. It's no secret that I love being surrounded by people, that I am often in the thick of things, but I can honestly say that going through a miscarriage taught me what it felt like to be lonely and outcast. There were countless days where I went in to work and the topic of conversation was pregnancy and babies, before my miscarriage I would have joined the conversations in excitement for the (many) girls who were expecting , but to be honest I felt so jealous of those women that I could only sit sadly in silence. I remember one Sunday morning at church, looking across the sanctuary at the little huddle of pregnant girls talking about who knows what pregnancy related topic and all I could think was "I should be in that group, it's not fair." I can honestly say that I have never in my life felt more alone than I did at that moment. And as badly as being an outsider felt, I know that God allowed me to feel that way for a reason, that it would give me a deeper compassion for others.
  
• God taught me that not every pregnancy has a happy ending. When Michael and I first decided that we wanted to have a baby, I knew miscarriage was a reality, but it never occurred to me that it might happen to us. Now I know that it can happen to anyone, and unfortunately it happens to a lot of women. My eyes have also been open to the fact that many women suffer multiple miscarriages, some in their first trimester, some in their second, some women give birth to silent children, and some will hold their children for minutes, hours, or even days after birth before they are taken to be with Jesus. I have realized how naive I was to think that pregnancy is always a beautiful thing, sometimes it can be an inconceivably painful experience.
• God taught me that not every woman who wants to be a mommy will get to carry their own child. When I was little (before I knew about the birds and the bees), I thought that if you wanted to have a baby you prayed really hard, and if God thought you would be a good parent, you would get pregnant, boy do I realize how wrong that train of thought was, I now know that sometimes people who don't want babies get them, and some people who want them don't. I can honestly say I have been pretty naive to this fact up until recently, I never realized how many women struggle with fertility issues, and how terribly painful those struggles can be. Sometimes those journeys end happily, sometimes they don't, and while it is hard for me to understand why God allows some really wonderful men and women to be infertile, I appreciate the fact that He has made me more aware and sensitive of these things.
  
• God taught me to appreciate and relish every moment I am pregnant. While I have a good feeling about this pregnancy, I spent a lot of time being nervous and worrying, but I finally realized how ridiculous that truly was! I have decided that no matter how long or short this pregnancy may be (and I pray it is LONG), I am still carrying my child and I will enjoy every moment of it! I spent my entire first pregnancy being so scared of miscarriage that I never enjoyed it, and that is one of my biggest regrets, I have finally resolved to have no regrets this time around, whether this pregnancy ends in miscarriage or the birth of a beautiful child.
  
• God taught me that children are a blessing. I know I don't have any living children yet, but I can honestly say God has helped me to see what a blessing they truly are. I am always disgusted when I hear people cussing at their children or calling them names, so many times I want to slap the parents and say "don't you realize how lucky you are to have that child?!?" Just remember next time your child is driving you crazy, there is a woman out there who wishes she had a child to drive her crazy.

My miscarriage was a very painful experience, but I guess it's true what they say "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" and I can honestly say I am stronger because of my baby and all of the lessons God taught me through her death.