Wednesday, July 13, 2011

I'm not alone...

First of all I need to put a disclaimer on this post, it is going to be raw, it's going to be a bit graphic, and it may be a bit unsettling for those of you who have never experienced a miscarriage. That being said, I have struggled with sharing this, I am going to be honest in a way I am not comfortable, but I feel strongly called to do so, because my goal is to break the taboos associated with pregnancy loss, and let others know they are not alone.
I remember being told "I hope you don't have to have a D&C," and so I kept praying I wouldn't have to undergo this procedure, until the day I passed my baby. I was going to the bathroom, and as I looked down at the pad I was wearing I saw a clot, which is not unusual when you have a natural miscarriage, but this one was different, the coloring was not the same. As I looked closer, I realized the strange color was tissue, that what I was looking at was not just a blood clot, what I was seeing was a tiny, fully intact, fetus enclosed in a sac, just like the pictures I had seen in all of the pregnancy books. In that moment I wished I had had the D&C, I wished that I was not seeing what I knew I was.
It was unsettling to say the least, I had no idea what to do, so I quickly rolled that pad up and threw it away. My heart still breaks a little when I think about those few minutes I spent in the bathroom with my baby. I have spent a lot of time beating myself up over the fact that my baby was so unceremoniously disposed of, to this day, I wish I had had more clarity in that moment, to do things differently. I kept this secret for a while, but one day it became too much. I tearfully apologized to my husband for throwing our baby away, expecting him to hate me as much as I hated myself for this act, but he just held me. He told me he wasn't angry, and as I tried to convince him that he should be, he told me there was nothing I could do and that I needed to forgive myself.
There are times I have heard stories of moms who were able to save their baby and have a little memorial and burial, and I felt like the worst mother in the world for not doing the same for my baby. In meeting other angel mommies, though, I found that I was not alone in my actions or regrets, and this eased my pain some. It was comforting to know that I was not the only woman who had been so emotionally overwhelmed that she literally had no clue what to do, that the only thought she had was "I cannot possibly be looking at my baby right now, this cannot be happening!"
I am still working on totally forgiving myself, but I am coming to terms with what happened, and the sting isn't so acute. I am constantly reminding myself that what I saw was merely the earthly shell my child wore, that she no longer resided there, that the soul of who she is had already been born into heaven.


  1. Don't be hard on yourself about what you did. I flushed my baby...that's hard to write. I too had a natural miscarriage (at 10 weeks) and then wished I had done the D&C. The natural miscarriage was way worse then I thought it would be and I had to physically remove the "clot" from my body that was in fact my baby. In my delirious, exhausted state I didn't know what else to I wrapped it in toilet paper and flushed it. I beat myself up for weeks about this but I can't change what I did (or the miscarriage for that fact) all I can do is pray and trust that God is holding my daughter in his arms now. I hope you can continue to heal and completely forgive yourself.

  2. Hey Maria,

    First let me apologize for just now commenting, I should have read this sooner.

    As you know I have 2 lost babies. One was a d&c and the other was natural.

    During the d&c process I dismissed my feelings. It became just another medical procedure. No baby, no closure, no emotional connection from those around me - just a medical procedure.

    With the second loss - I looked at that clot and knew what I was seeing. In my naiveness I did save it. I put it in a cup hoping that my doctor could test it and tell me why I had another loss...instead the nurse (who I love and she was compassionate so don't mistake that) explained that they didn't need the clot. So do you know what I did??? I threw it away. I am sorry for that, and I have never told anyone.

    Do you want to know which way felt better or more right? Neither. Both ways suck. I lost 2 babies and I still think of them; I have no grave to visit, no memorial to sit by; but I have 2 babies in heaven that can help make me a better friend and a more understanding person when some other mommy has to go through the terrible pain of losing a baby.

    Thank you for allowing me to share my angels with your posts.