The Lord is close to the brokenhearted...

Psalm 34:18 tells us that "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." A year ago, I would have laughed at this verse, in fact it probably would have made me angry. I remember one Sunday morning about a month after my miscarriage, looking across the church sanctuary and seeing a little huddle of pregnant gals, I imagined what pregnancy and baby related topics they must be talking about, as I thought that I should be in that circle, too. I turned to Michael with tears in my eyes and told him "you know, sometimes I think God took our baby just because He could!" Michael just shook his head and said "You know that's not true, God doesn't do things like that" I just told him "I'm not so sure about that anymore." To me, God had become this big emotionless man, I knew He was there, I knew He had the control over everything that was happening in my life, but I honestly believed He didn't care. I was never truly angry at God, it was much worse, I became indifferent to Him, I just couldn't fathom that He could be a caring, emotional God and still allow my baby to die despite my prayers and begging. The sermon that Sunday was on the crucifixion, and I never imagined how it would impact me. I listened with tears in my eyes as the pastor talked about  God turning His head away as Jesus cried out to Him from the cross and a couple of truths being very evident to me. The first truth was that God genuinely knew how I felt, not only did He know what it felt like to lose a child, but He understood the pain I felt when I had to sit idly by, while my baby died, He knew what it felt like not to intervene, not to be able to protect His child, and He knew what it felt like to know that was the plan laid out and that changing it would have been dangerous. The second thing I finally understood was why God had to turn His head away as Jesus cried out to Him, I always thought this was cruel and selfish, but I realized that God hurt so badly for His son, that He could not stand to see Him in that pain. I knew in that moment that it was no different when I cried out to God, when I was begging for my baby's life, when I was in the deepest pain I had ever felt, He hurt that badly for me. So today, I can believe that "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."