I have gone back and forth on whether or not to share since this blog is for the purpose of sharing about and supporting those who have experienced a miscarriage, but I finally have decided that my readers have become a part of my journey and I wanted to share with you that on June 17th at 11:02pm I gave birth to my Rainbow Baby*.
I was induced at 36 weeks and 6 days (June 16th) due to pre-eclampsia, After 28 hours of Pitocin induced labor I stopped progressing and my baby boy was delivered via C-section. It took him almost 30 seconds to take his first breathe and I will tell you, that was the longest 30 seconds of my life. It is so scary being pregnant after a loss, that I thought I was surely going to lose this baby, too. And if I thought being pregnant after a loss was scary, being a mom after a loss is even scarier. I am going to get honest here, because I think most new moms are too scared to be. I spent the first 2 weeks crying about everything, I was totally overwhelmed and convinced I was a terrible mother, I just knew that I wasn't competent enough to be a mother. His first night home he cried, I cried, neither of us slept more than a few minutes in a row, and I nearly dropped him when I fell asleep nursing him in my glider. I loved my baby, but I did not love being a mom. I am glad to say that has changed, but I still worry about that little man, I don't know if it is my previous loss or if it is normal, but I am constantly checking to make sure he is breathing, at night, I actually turn the baby monitor up so loud that I can hear him breathe as I fall asleep. I am petrified of being this child's mom, but I have never been more excited for anything (well, after the initial shock wore off, that is)
*"Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.