When I lost my first baby, I lost many things, and one of those things I thought I lost was naming a baby. It didn't take me long to realize that this wasn't true, that just because I didn't get to meet my baby, that didn't mean she didn't deserve a name like any other child. To some it may seem crazy to name a child that was never born into this world, and it may not be right for everyone, but for me this single act brought me a great deal of closure and healing, it gave me a small sense of normalcy, amidst chaos, it helped me to feel like that baby existed, that I was a mommy to a real child.
Shortly after my miscarriage had been confirmed, I brought up the idea of a tattoo in memory of the baby to Michael, he liked the idea and wondered what I had in mind. My mind went back to the song that had brought me so much comfort during the week of waiting for the results that confirmed I had lost our baby, "His eye is on the Sparrow." We did some research on pictures of sparrows, and even the symbolism of the sparrow, when we found that Sparrows are a symbol of freedom and love we knew this was perfect for our baby, our baby who we loved, and who was eternally free, in the truest sense of the word. After we got the Sparrow tattoo's the name Sparrow just really stuck for our baby.
While we had chosen a name for our baby, I still felt as if something was missing, Sparrow needed a middle name. One evening I looked through 100's of names, the meanings of names is very important to Michael and I, so I wrote down a few names that were especially meaningful and showed my list to Michael. I had one in mind that felt perfect, and much to my surprise it was the first name Michael pointed out on my list. The name is Liran, it is a Hebrew word meaning "my song, my joy." I don't think I will ever be able to explain why, but the name is perfect. While it was devastating that we lost her, I didn't want her name associated with sadness, I wanted it to be an expression of the perfect life of a child born into heaven. Freedom, love, songs, joy, all things I associate with heaven, and now with my heavenly child.