Thursday, December 1, 2011
This song conjures such strong memories and emotion, that I can't even listen to it without being brought to tears, it's a very reflective song for me on so many levels. The image of those thousand sleepless nights she sings of, takes me back to the week that I miscarried, the hours I spent laying awake crying and crying out, the nights I did nothing, but beg for the life of the child inside of me. I spent a lot of time feeling as if those cries fell on unconcerned ears, thinking that God was indifferent to the fact that I lost my baby, and to the fact that I was hurting. I remember being so mad that God would let me go through something so awful while my husband was gone, I asked why He allowed this to happen while I was alone, and all I heard was that still small voice, dejectedly telling me "You're not alone, can't I be enough for you right now?" This song reminds me that God's love and promises should be enough, that He longs for them to be enough for us, and while my heart was breaking, so was His, not just because He was watching me hurt, but because I doubted that He only wants to give me the best, that I doubted His love, and that I doubted the promises He made to me as His child. I often think of Job when I reflect on that week, of God giving Lucifer permission to tempt and try Job in any way He wanted, did the same conversation happen about me? Did Satan asks God's permission, and did God oblige with confidence that it would only make me a stronger witness, give me greater ground for His kingdom? I cannot say that I was completely faithful to my Lord in the weeks and months following the loss of my baby, as I have shared before I was very cold and indifferent towards God, I never doubted His existence, but I doubted His plan. However, I can also say that when I threw off the shroud of doubt over my eyes, I knew that God was using my suffering in the lives of others, that it wasn't just about me, that it was about the other parents I would encounter who were grieving, that it was about allowing God to use me as a light in someone elses darkness, it was about letting blessings come through my rain, through my storms, through my hardest nights. As much as I want to offer comfort to other moms, I always wish it wasn't necessary, I often catch myself saying "It's just not right, I wish no parent had to experience this loss," in fact I often find myself wishing I had both of my babies here on earth with me, but this song really convicted me, that this world is NOT my home, that my heart doesn't belong here, and neither do my kids. My ultimate goal as a Christian parent is for my children to spend eternity praising the Lord, and my job is halfway done, yes, it hurts that I never met her, or held her, or cared for her, but she is in the care of the Most High, she IS home, in the arms of the Father who created her for His own joy, and for that I cannot be angry, for that I can feel blessed! I urge you all to remember that in the midst of life's storms, Gods love would never give you lesser things, that He wants to offer you mercy, and He wants to richly bless your life, don't lose faith in His promises, because one day your pain will be gone as you enter into the Home that God has been preparing for you since the beginning of time, your heart will soon enough have all of the things it has been longing for.