Saturday, August 4, 2012
When you lose a child to miscarriage (even stillbirth) it can often leave a lot of questions in your life, many of which will never have answers; for me the biggest questions will always be "what happened?" "How did my baby die?" "Was it my fault? Did I do something wrong?" And as my son grows, I have to wonder what my angel would have looked like, sounded like, smelled like, acted like, I always have this desire to know the person she would have been; I have always thought that as time passed and our family grew, that I would wonder less and less about life with my first baby, but time has me wondering more and more. Every milestone my son hits has me asking what my Sparrow would have looked like doing the same thing; would she have loved mushrooms and zucchini like he does? Would she have used one foot and one knee to crawl like he did? Would she have gotten mad when I tried to hold her hand while she was walking like he does? Would she have loved to give kisses and hugs like he does? Would she have jammed out with daddy while listening to loud music like he does? Would she have loved to cuddle and nurse with mommy like he does? Who would this little person have been? Would you call me crazy if I said that I often picture my son in a dress and headband with a few strawberry blonde curls, just because I am curious? And then I find myself asking what life would have been like with her in it; every time a little girl plays with my little guy, or gives him a hug, or tries to help him do something, I can't help, but picture this as my daughter and son, imagining that I have both of my babies, that it is my little family, and then reality snaps me back to a world where I can only wonder what my sons life would be like with a big sister in it. I suppose all of this sounds a bit hopeless, but I don't mean it to be so, my intention is to normalize the dreams, to normalize the questions, to let you know that you aren't alone in wondering. We may never get the answers we are looking for, but many times in life I have found that those unanswered questions are often much less painful than knowing, and that sometimes God doesn't let us know the answers to protect our hearts.