Saturday, March 5, 2011

PAL (Pregnant After Loss)

People think that when you get pregnant after losing a child, that everything is okay, that you're happy, that life is good, and that you have forgotten about the miscarriage (or stillbirth) that you experienced, but it's not true. You almost feel like you are holding your breath, as much as you try to enjoy being pregnant, there is still that small voice in the back of your head asking "what if I lose this baby, too?" You get excited when you hit those milestones, for me it was 7 weeks and 2 days (I lost my first at 7 weeks, 1 day), then it was the second trimester, then it was those first kicks, then it was the ultrasound that told me my baby was perfect, but you never fully relax, because deep down inside you are just waiting for something bad to happen. The statistics don't matter, it doesn't matter how many women have miscarriages, it doesn't matter if one or two miscarriages is medically unremarkable, it doesn't even matter if a successive pregnancy is completely healthy and uncomplicated, your mommy heart has been broken, and there is no making it whole again.
Besides the fear you also have that child, the one you never met, or that you only held for a few brief moments after they were born silent, you can't replace that child. It doesn't matter how many more children you have, the child you lost will always hold a piece of your heart. You will always miss them, you will always wonder what life would have been like with them in it, there is no getting over that. As I carry this child with incredible joy, I still find myself sad for the baby that I lost, this would have been the month I would have REALLY become a mommy, and I can't help, but feel jealous as I see all of the March babies being born, wondering what life would be like right now with a newborn in our home. Does missing my first child mean that I love my second any less? Absolutely not! This loss has taught me the depth of feeling that a mother's heart truly has, and that makes it okay for me to be sad over one child, while rejoicing in another. So you ask, am I excited to be pregnant again? Of course. Am I still healing from the loss of my first child? Of course!


  1. I know exactly how you feel Maria! This is exactly how I feel still. It has been almost three years since Baby Miller left us... My "mommy heart" will always be broken...nothing can fill that little void. It does get easier, but it's still there. I am truly blessed to have Moriah and Isaiah. Although Moriah has minor health issues, and Isaiah has a bit more health problems because of the fluid in his lungs, I wouldn't trade them for the world! It truly makes you soo much more thankful for the children you do have. Although I still wish Baby Miller was here too. It has taught me never to take any of my children for granted. I know what you mean about being jealous of "March babies". My cousin, who wasn't married at the time, was pregnant and due two days after me. I miscarried and she had her son. I was so confused with God. Why can my cousin who isn't married have her baby when I stayed pure until I was married?? It didn't make sense to me. So everytime I see her son, it reminds me of Baby Miller. And then I start wondering. I have changed that thinking some. Its still hard for me to see him and not get jealous. But I love him sooooo much. Anyways I'm rambling...Thanks for the blog! It helps to know there are people that feel the same way as I do.

  2. Wow. I feel like I could have written almost every word of that post myself. I'm just barely (5 weeks) pregnant after losing my second child Mikayla in June due to premature labor at 24 weeks. I can tell it's going to be a LONG nine months, but just as I'm grateful for the bloggers who share their grief journey I am so glad to have other moms experiencing a PAL too. Thanks for sharing.

  3. I'm your newest follower and I'm praying for you and your little one. I pray for you peace and strength as you make the journey with so much on your heart. Thank you so much for sharing with us. Sending lots of hugs!


  4. Agreed... I am pregnant now after a long time trying to conceive after a miscarriage and every day is such a gift... I welcome every pregnancy-related discomfort because it is an indication that my baby is ok inside of me... but you're right it's like I never fully exhale - always hoping all is well with this one