Jealousy

In high school I was always a person who was prone to jealousy, I think it was the insecurity with my size and looks that caused this. I always wanted what someone else had; their body, clothes, shoes, hairstyles, boyfriends, cars, backpacks, you name it I probably have coveted it at one time or another. I even remember times while Michael was deployed, of feeling jealous of the other couples I would see who were actually in the same country. But I can honestly say that compared to the jealousy I know now, all of that was minuscule. Yes I realize jealousy is a sin, but I think if we are all honest (which is my goal with this blog), we would admit to feeling jealousy at one point or another in life.

In the months between my miscarriage and this pregnancy, seeing a pregnant woman, hearing about a friend’s ultrasound, seeing baby bumps, getting baby shower invitations, it really made me covet everything that I had lost, I can honestly say I never knew jealousy like this in my life. Now as I sit in the month of March, the month we would have welcomed our first child into our home, I feel that same overwhelming jealousy as I hear birth announcements, see pictures of doting March parents with their bundles of joy, read Facebook status updates about new babies, it's hard not to miss and long for what could have been. I thought being pregnant again would soften the blow of Sparrow's due date, but as much as I love this child inside of me and am looking forward to the arrival of my July baby, my March baby cannot be replaced, and the past month of watching babies being born has reminded me of that fact.

It's funny how important all of those things seemed to me years ago, the clothes, the shoes, the cars, the hair, the boyfriends, it's laughable now to think I ever thought of these as envious, because they just aren't that important, and the feeling of jealousy was so minuscule in comparison to what I have felt over these last few months.