"Because I knew you..."

I don’t envy women who have had a smooth journey to motherhood. I don’t regret the 7 weeks I carried my first child. I am not angry that I lost my baby. I haven’t always been able to say these things, but today I truly mean every word. The last 10 months have been painful, but they have been fruitful. A friend who lost her 4 year old daughter told me “If God would have said I will spare you the pain, but you would not know her or you can have her, know great love and joy, but then you will feel the loss to the same degree as your love and joy…I would have her again and again.” There was a time when this statement would have seemed strange to me, even irrational, but today it is not, today I understand her heart, and I understand exactly what she means. I never met my Sparrow Liran while she lived, but I would not change the fact that I carried her, because no matter how small a life is, there is always something we can learn from it. I think of the incredible growth God has brought to my heart and life since losing my baby, I think of the compassion and understanding I have gained for those around me who are hurting, I think of the appreciation I have gained for life, no matter how short; I would have none of these without my Sparrow. I truly would not be the same person without her. I know it seems strange to some that I mourn her loss, that I recognize her as my child, that I talk about her, that I memorialize her life, but I would not be the person I am today without her. Lord Tennyson said “Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all,” many scoff at this sentiment, but when you truly love someone, it is worth the risk of losing them, for the change they have brought to your life, you are willing to lose them again and again, because that means you will know them again and again, and you know, that without them, you would not be the same.

Unknown Author, Beautiful Sentiment

I did not write this, but a friend shared it with me, and it is so true and so beautiful!! If you have seen/read this before and know who the author is, please share with me so I can give credit, where credit is due!

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There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

Author Unknown

Jesus Commands my Destiny

This is one of my favorite songs of all time, there is just something about the lyrics, the imagery always touches my heart, I rarely make it through this song without crying. After I lost Sparrow the lyrics “From life’s first cry to final breath” always brought sadness, and dare I say a little bit of anger, as it always brought to mind my baby whose cry I never heard. It wasn’t until recently that I heard the lyrics which followed that line, “Jesus commands my destiny,” isn’t it amazing how often we don’t see the forest for the trees? And so finally, hearing those lyrics all together, “from life’s first cry to final breath, Jesus commands my destiny,” I was able to put it ALL in perspective, and it hit me, that not only does God command my destiny, but also the destiny of each one of my children. As Christian parents we dedicate our children, we have them baptized, we pray for God to use our children for His will, but very few of us realize what it can entail when we put our child in the hand of God. And may I be so bold as to say, that if some of us realized God's will for our child, me might be very hesitant to dedicate them to His will. For many of us, when we allow God to command the destiny of our child, it means that we will lose that child. As painful as that is for us to let go, many times this is how God uses our child(ren) for His will. It has taken me some time to realize this fact, and to even come to peace with it, but I know that even though my Sparrow’s life lasted a mere 7 weeks, that were only lived inside of my body, God has and is and will be using her little life for His grand will.

"Moving On" vs. "Moving Forward"

There is a great sense of guilt that can often accompany smiles, laughter, and celebration after you have lost a child (at any age), there is that feeling that you are somehow disrespecting your angel by feeling happiness again, that somehow you have "moved on" and left your angels memory behind. What is important to remember is that there is a difference between "moving on" and "moving forward." So often we are told to "just move on" after we lose a baby, but that is impossible, no matter how small that child was when we lost them, they will always carry a piece of our heart, they are a part of us, and we CANNOT and WILL NOT forget them. What is possible is "moving forward" into a new normal, life will never be what it was before, it can't be, but you can find peace in a new normal. That new normal will contain days of sadness and tears, but it is also okay to smile, to laugh, to celebrate even. This happiness does not mean we have forgotten our child, or that we do not still grieve the loss of them, what it means is that our child's memory has meshed into the story of our lives, they have become a (normal) part of who we are. So when you find yourself laughing or smiling after, do not allow yourself to be overcome with guilt, but rather continue smiling knowing that you have found that new normal that is essential to survive heartache.

Jealousy

In high school I was always a person who was prone to jealousy, I think it was the insecurity with my size and looks that caused this. I always wanted what someone else had; their body, clothes, shoes, hairstyles, boyfriends, cars, backpacks, you name it I probably have coveted it at one time or another. I even remember times while Michael was deployed, of feeling jealous of the other couples I would see who were actually in the same country. But I can honestly say that compared to the jealousy I know now, all of that was minuscule. Yes I realize jealousy is a sin, but I think if we are all honest (which is my goal with this blog), we would admit to feeling jealousy at one point or another in life.

In the months between my miscarriage and this pregnancy, seeing a pregnant woman, hearing about a friend’s ultrasound, seeing baby bumps, getting baby shower invitations, it really made me covet everything that I had lost, I can honestly say I never knew jealousy like this in my life. Now as I sit in the month of March, the month we would have welcomed our first child into our home, I feel that same overwhelming jealousy as I hear birth announcements, see pictures of doting March parents with their bundles of joy, read Facebook status updates about new babies, it's hard not to miss and long for what could have been. I thought being pregnant again would soften the blow of Sparrow's due date, but as much as I love this child inside of me and am looking forward to the arrival of my July baby, my March baby cannot be replaced, and the past month of watching babies being born has reminded me of that fact.

It's funny how important all of those things seemed to me years ago, the clothes, the shoes, the cars, the hair, the boyfriends, it's laughable now to think I ever thought of these as envious, because they just aren't that important, and the feeling of jealousy was so minuscule in comparison to what I have felt over these last few months.

PAL (Pregnant After Loss)

People think that when you get pregnant after losing a child, that everything is okay, that you're happy, that life is good, and that you have forgotten about the miscarriage (or stillbirth) that you experienced, but it's not true. You almost feel like you are holding your breath, as much as you try to enjoy being pregnant, there is still that small voice in the back of your head asking "what if I lose this baby, too?" You get excited when you hit those milestones, for me it was 7 weeks and 2 days (I lost my first at 7 weeks, 1 day), then it was the second trimester, then it was those first kicks, then it was the ultrasound that told me my baby was perfect, but you never fully relax, because deep down inside you are just waiting for something bad to happen. The statistics don't matter, it doesn't matter how many women have miscarriages, it doesn't matter if one or two miscarriages is medically unremarkable, it doesn't even matter if a successive pregnancy is completely healthy and uncomplicated, your mommy heart has been broken, and there is no making it whole again.
Besides the fear you also have that child, the one you never met, or that you only held for a few brief moments after they were born silent, you can't replace that child. It doesn't matter how many more children you have, the child you lost will always hold a piece of your heart. You will always miss them, you will always wonder what life would have been like with them in it, there is no getting over that. As I carry this child with incredible joy, I still find myself sad for the baby that I lost, this would have been the month I would have REALLY become a mommy, and I can't help, but feel jealous as I see all of the March babies being born, wondering what life would be like right now with a newborn in our home. Does missing my first child mean that I love my second any less? Absolutely not! This loss has taught me the depth of feeling that a mother's heart truly has, and that makes it okay for me to be sad over one child, while rejoicing in another. So you ask, am I excited to be pregnant again? Of course. Am I still healing from the loss of my first child? Of course!

Thanksgiving

This Thanksgiving I can say that I am infinitely grateful for the child I am carrying right now, but I am also thankful for the first child I carried, and the lessons I learned through her loss.

• God taught me that He is enough. There was a period of time where Michael and I were the only 2 people on earth who knew I was pregnant, and the only 2 people on earth who knew I was facing a miscarriage, unfortunately we were nearly 200 miles apart. As I questioned God's reasons for this happening while I was so alone, I heard Him say "You aren't alone, can't I be enough to comfort you right now?"
• God taught me what loss feels like. The only person close to me I have ever lost was my great grandmother, and because of her age, cancer, and love for Jesus Christ it was a natural thing, and though it hurt an I still miss her, I know she is whole and praising Jesus! Losing my baby was a completely different and infinitely more painful experience than losing my grandma. As badly as that hurt, I now have a greater compassion for my patients and for others around me. A colleague once told me "your loss will make you a better nurse" and she is right, when you have experienced a great loss in your life, it makes you more understanding of the losses others face, and makes you better able to care for them.
  
• God taught me what it felt like to be an outsider. It's no secret that I love being surrounded by people, that I am often in the thick of things, but I can honestly say that going through a miscarriage taught me what it felt like to be lonely and outcast. There were countless days where I went in to work and the topic of conversation was pregnancy and babies, before my miscarriage I would have joined the conversations in excitement for the (many) girls who were expecting , but to be honest I felt so jealous of those women that I could only sit sadly in silence. I remember one Sunday morning at church, looking across the sanctuary at the little huddle of pregnant girls talking about who knows what pregnancy related topic and all I could think was "I should be in that group, it's not fair." I can honestly say that I have never in my life felt more alone than I did at that moment. And as badly as being an outsider felt, I know that God allowed me to feel that way for a reason, that it would give me a deeper compassion for others.
  
• God taught me that not every pregnancy has a happy ending. When Michael and I first decided that we wanted to have a baby, I knew miscarriage was a reality, but it never occurred to me that it might happen to us. Now I know that it can happen to anyone, and unfortunately it happens to a lot of women. My eyes have also been open to the fact that many women suffer multiple miscarriages, some in their first trimester, some in their second, some women give birth to silent children, and some will hold their children for minutes, hours, or even days after birth before they are taken to be with Jesus. I have realized how naive I was to think that pregnancy is always a beautiful thing, sometimes it can be an inconceivably painful experience.
• God taught me that not every woman who wants to be a mommy will get to carry their own child. When I was little (before I knew about the birds and the bees), I thought that if you wanted to have a baby you prayed really hard, and if God thought you would be a good parent, you would get pregnant, boy do I realize how wrong that train of thought was, I now know that sometimes people who don't want babies get them, and some people who want them don't. I can honestly say I have been pretty naive to this fact up until recently, I never realized how many women struggle with fertility issues, and how terribly painful those struggles can be. Sometimes those journeys end happily, sometimes they don't, and while it is hard for me to understand why God allows some really wonderful men and women to be infertile, I appreciate the fact that He has made me more aware and sensitive of these things.
  
• God taught me to appreciate and relish every moment I am pregnant. While I have a good feeling about this pregnancy, I spent a lot of time being nervous and worrying, but I finally realized how ridiculous that truly was! I have decided that no matter how long or short this pregnancy may be (and I pray it is LONG), I am still carrying my child and I will enjoy every moment of it! I spent my entire first pregnancy being so scared of miscarriage that I never enjoyed it, and that is one of my biggest regrets, I have finally resolved to have no regrets this time around, whether this pregnancy ends in miscarriage or the birth of a beautiful child.
  
• God taught me that children are a blessing. I know I don't have any living children yet, but I can honestly say God has helped me to see what a blessing they truly are. I am always disgusted when I hear people cussing at their children or calling them names, so many times I want to slap the parents and say "don't you realize how lucky you are to have that child?!?" Just remember next time your child is driving you crazy, there is a woman out there who wishes she had a child to drive her crazy.

My miscarriage was a very painful experience, but I guess it's true what they say "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" and I can honestly say I am stronger because of my baby and all of the lessons God taught me through her death.