Jealousy

In high school I was always a person who was prone to jealousy, I think it was the insecurity with my size and looks that caused this. I always wanted what someone else had; their body, clothes, shoes, hairstyles, boyfriends, cars, backpacks, you name it I probably have coveted it at one time or another. I even remember times while Michael was deployed, of feeling jealous of the other couples I would see who were actually in the same country. But I can honestly say that compared to the jealousy I know now, all of that was minuscule. Yes I realize jealousy is a sin, but I think if we are all honest (which is my goal with this blog), we would admit to feeling jealousy at one point or another in life.

In the months between my miscarriage and this pregnancy, seeing a pregnant woman, hearing about a friend’s ultrasound, seeing baby bumps, getting baby shower invitations, it really made me covet everything that I had lost, I can honestly say I never knew jealousy like this in my life. Now as I sit in the month of March, the month we would have welcomed our first child into our home, I feel that same overwhelming jealousy as I hear birth announcements, see pictures of doting March parents with their bundles of joy, read Facebook status updates about new babies, it's hard not to miss and long for what could have been. I thought being pregnant again would soften the blow of Sparrow's due date, but as much as I love this child inside of me and am looking forward to the arrival of my July baby, my March baby cannot be replaced, and the past month of watching babies being born has reminded me of that fact.

It's funny how important all of those things seemed to me years ago, the clothes, the shoes, the cars, the hair, the boyfriends, it's laughable now to think I ever thought of these as envious, because they just aren't that important, and the feeling of jealousy was so minuscule in comparison to what I have felt over these last few months.

PAL (Pregnant After Loss)

People think that when you get pregnant after losing a child, that everything is okay, that you're happy, that life is good, and that you have forgotten about the miscarriage (or stillbirth) that you experienced, but it's not true. You almost feel like you are holding your breath, as much as you try to enjoy being pregnant, there is still that small voice in the back of your head asking "what if I lose this baby, too?" You get excited when you hit those milestones, for me it was 7 weeks and 2 days (I lost my first at 7 weeks, 1 day), then it was the second trimester, then it was those first kicks, then it was the ultrasound that told me my baby was perfect, but you never fully relax, because deep down inside you are just waiting for something bad to happen. The statistics don't matter, it doesn't matter how many women have miscarriages, it doesn't matter if one or two miscarriages is medically unremarkable, it doesn't even matter if a successive pregnancy is completely healthy and uncomplicated, your mommy heart has been broken, and there is no making it whole again.
Besides the fear you also have that child, the one you never met, or that you only held for a few brief moments after they were born silent, you can't replace that child. It doesn't matter how many more children you have, the child you lost will always hold a piece of your heart. You will always miss them, you will always wonder what life would have been like with them in it, there is no getting over that. As I carry this child with incredible joy, I still find myself sad for the baby that I lost, this would have been the month I would have REALLY become a mommy, and I can't help, but feel jealous as I see all of the March babies being born, wondering what life would be like right now with a newborn in our home. Does missing my first child mean that I love my second any less? Absolutely not! This loss has taught me the depth of feeling that a mother's heart truly has, and that makes it okay for me to be sad over one child, while rejoicing in another. So you ask, am I excited to be pregnant again? Of course. Am I still healing from the loss of my first child? Of course!